ICE Launches Service For Americans Disappointed In Their Valentine’s Dates
February 14, 2026
WASHINGTON — In what officials described as the latest example of the ongoing deportation surge will improve the lives of taxpayers, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced the rollout of a service to help Americans disappointed in their Valentine’s Day dates. Under the program, citizens can provide ICE with a brief description of their date and the restaurant address. ICE officials say agents will arrive within 30 minutes and detain the individual, thereby creating what experts refer to as “a clean and socially acceptable exit.”
“We recognize that many Americans feel trapped in uncomfortable situations,” said ICE spokesman Matthew Schmidt. “This service allows them to disengage safely, efficiently, and while fully supporting the Administration’s goal of executing the largest mass deportation effort in U.S. history.”
Schmidt added that response times may be as short as 15 minutes in the Minneapolis area due to “existing operational efficiencies and priorities.”
Legal Framework Described As “Flexible And Romantic”
Officials emphasized that the initiative is consistent with recent legal developments expanding ICE enforcement authorities. The agency cited the September 2025 Supreme Court decision in Noem v. Vasquez Perdomo allowing ICE agents to consider race as a factor in establishing reasonable suspicion for immigration enforcement actions.
“The legal landscape has evolved,” Schmidt explained. “The DHS Office of General Counsel has interpreted making Valentine’s Day reservations at a Uncle Julio’s Mexican Restaurant or purchasing Dubai chocolate as within the scope of ‘appearance, language or ethnicity’ as defined by the Court’s conservative majority.
“At a minimum, we ask that disappointed citizens describe any hint of an accent or a lingering tan,” Schmidt said. “We will also accept any positive comments about the Bad Bunny Superbowl Halftime Show.”
“We’re here to help,” Schmidt added.
Congressional Oversight Begins “Fact-Finding Phase”
Members of Congress have already scheduled oversight hearings, though early statements suggested broad bipartisan interest in the program’s scalability.
A senior House committee staffer confirmed that lawmakers are primarily focused on response-time metrics and whether the service could be expanded to other holidays.
“Frankly, Valentine’s Day is just the pilot,” the aide said. “There’s significant demand for similar options around Thanksgiving and extended family gatherings.”
One senator, speaking anonymously while removing his wedding ring, expressed concern about equity.
“We need to make sure rural Americans have the same access to emergency extraction from uncomfortable social environments,” the senator said. “This cannot become another urban service gap.”
Another lawmaker praised the initiative’s efficiency.
“This is government responding to the needs of its citizens,” the member said. “You report an incident, someone shows up, a problem disappears. That’s the kind of responsiveness voters want.”
DHS Frames Service As Core American Value
Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem described the service as the ideal synergy between helping citizens escape Valentine’s Day mistakes while also bolstering national security.
“Let us all, like our founding fathers, pledge our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor to liberty and self-government,” Noem said in prepared remarks. “So that we may continue to have the freedom to follow our conscience, build our lives, and live in peace—free from awkward Valentine’s Day dates.”
Officials confirmed that Noem first conceptualized the program roughly one year ago but declined to elaborate on the personal circumstances that inspired it.
Noem’s husband did not respond to a request for comment.