Kash Patel’s GirlFriend Receives Contract to Record FBI Theme Song

20 December, 2025

Country music sensation Alexis Wilkins, who records under the stage name “Kash Patel’s Girlfriend,” signed a multi million dollar contract to write and record the FBI’s new theme song.

“Its an embarrassment that Sleepy Joe Biden’s FBI didn’t even bother to have a kick ass theme song. Well that ends now. Under President Trump’s leadership, I have signed country music sensation Alexis Wilkins to record our new theme song. This song will inspire a generation of agents as they march on the streets and crush violent crime.”

Director Patel then stomped violently on the ground before describing Wilkins as a country music sensation five more times and added, “The new song will be a banger.”

Patel then invited Wilkins to the stage and the two posed for pictures after donning freshly starched FBI raid jackets.

When asked about the vision of the song, Wilkins stated she is still working on a hook. “I’m kind of stuck on words that rhyme with Bureau. Maybe it could be about eating Churros. Or going out to lunch for a gyro. Wait, does gyro rhyme with Bureau?” 

Deputy Director Bongino then said, “what about this:

FBI on the night shift, trying to catch spies,

Running down the wire just to stop crime.

We walk that line, yeah, we hold that mission true.

Do the job hard, and usually follow the Constitution too.”

Patel’s Girlfriend started to transcribe the lyrics, but stopped to say, “I don’t get it.”

At the conclusion of the interview, Patel’s Girlfriend admitted she will probably just ask ChatGPT to write the lyrics for her before the two boarded the Bureau’s private jet to fly to a recording session in Nashville.