15 December, 2025

The question followed second failed attempt to indict Letitia James

During a recent staff meeting, Attorney General Pam Bondi asked if anyone could explain to her the concept of Probable Cause. “Does anyone in this office know what that term really means? Is it, like, a numbers thing? I mean, is 70% incriminating enough? How can we not get this right?”

Solicitor General John Sauer answered, “It is actually derived from British Common Law, and the theory that a man’s house is his castle. That principle led our Founding Fathers to instill the requirement for a specific justification for searches and seizures in the Fourth Amendment, later solidified by the Supreme Court Case Aguilar v. Texas.” 

Bondi cut him off, “You mean, this goes back to a British common law thing. That seems pretty woke.”

Sauer then pointed out the principle was solidified by the Supreme Court Case Aguilar v. Texas in 1964. This caused Bondi to throw a sandwich across the room at Sauer, leading to a debate on whether or not the sandwich was assault. Deputy Assistant General Todd Blanche pointed out, “Well, we charged it before in D.C., but then the jury said not guilty, so I’m confused. I think we have to charge it?”

Bondi grew increasingly frustrated. “But we don’t even know if that is probable cause.” She then turned to her computer and wrote an email to President Trump asking for another pardon, just in case, adding, “Having legal principles is hard.” 

Blanche interrupted the debate by adding. “If I may, the current view of probable cause is based on what a reasonable person believes, and President Trump is a very reasonable person. Therefore, whatever he thinks is reasonable should be enough for probable cause, right?”

“Now that makes sense. Maybe we should give President Trump votes in every Grand Jury. How many votes does it take for a True Bill?” Bondi then Googled ‘How many votes to indict’?

 “It takes twelve votes. Well fuck.  We better give President Trump at least five votes in each case then, and why are all my targeted advertisements for stuff related to Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin.”

Bondi ended the meeting by telling everyone to bring their ideas for updating habeas corpus to the next meeting. “It can’t apply to everyone, can it?”